Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
