I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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