Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
