Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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