I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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