i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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