it wasn't lemon gatorade
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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