I feel great
I just peed on a car
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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