Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
