I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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