I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
