$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
