i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
