Your mouth is God's brothel.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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