I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
