I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
