you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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