I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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