it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i think my cat just said my name.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
