We're like a lot better than the average bears
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
