Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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