Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
