FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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