Pappa wants mamma naked
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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