Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
