bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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