we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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