if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
sarcasm needs its own font
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
