I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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