I cannot find my penis.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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