I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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