He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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