i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
