Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
