As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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