I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
