She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
