also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
