Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
