you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
