It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
