i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
