I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
