She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
