you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
