everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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