When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
