Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
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Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.