my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
