Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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