Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
