Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...