Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .

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(330): I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia . http://tfl.nu/fovz

Replies (12) Good night (1730) Bad night (2521)
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.

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(405): And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch. http://tfl.nu/1xo5

Replies (12) Good night (853) Bad night (1874)
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.

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(724): I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass. http://tfl.nu/otet

Replies (35) Good night (1027) Bad night (8244)
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(201): View more from New Jersey

Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.

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(201): Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario. http://tfl.nu/e7rb

Replies (2) Good night (1753) Bad night (1331)
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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.

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(778): It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman. http://tfl.nu/chx9

Replies (8) Good night (1919) Bad night (1551)
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(702): View more from Nevada

It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.

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(702): It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B. http://tfl.nu/uw83

Replies (8) Good night (1300) Bad night (2468)
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(719): View more from Colorado

You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians

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(719): You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians http://tfl.nu/35a3

Replies (3) Good night (2277) Bad night (801)
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(814): Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly.... http://tfl.nu/m1mg

Replies (6) Good night (1299) Bad night (1913)
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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(518): You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them http://tfl.nu/vo2h

Replies (13) Good night (2670) Bad night (756)
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(201): View more from New Jersey

he's gonorrhea incarnate

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(201): he's gonorrhea incarnate http://tfl.nu/krir

Replies (2) Good night (586) Bad night (1467)
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(505): View more from New Mexico

I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having

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(505): I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having http://tfl.nu/8kbk

Replies (1) Good night (1145) Bad night (501)
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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.

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(540): Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat. http://tfl.nu/hg85

Replies (4) Good night (2168) Bad night (684)
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

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(202): I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis http://tfl.nu/lbuu

Replies (43) Good night (1114) Bad night (3568)
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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?

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(706): I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get? http://tfl.nu/m9m9

Replies (2) Good night (707) Bad night (383)
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.

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(402): I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married. http://tfl.nu/ry1c

Replies (2) Good night (363) Bad night (764)

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