I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"