after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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