Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
