Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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