Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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