giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
