I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
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He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
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your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.