u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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