Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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