would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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