i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
