I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
