You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
