my phone needs a breathalizer
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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